


Wild Wolves

by Phlebas



Series: Courting Culture Confusion [7]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Author Is Sleep Deprived, BAMF Hatake Kakashi, BAMF Umino Iruka, Because the rest of this series takes everything seriously, Canon-Typical Behavior, Canon-Typical Violence, Crack Treated Seriously, Cultural Differences, Explicit Consent, Fuuinjutsu Master Umino Iruka, Hatake Kakashi is a Troll, Hatake Kakashi-centric, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Kid Umino Iruka, M/M, Marriage Hunt AU, My First Work in This Pairing, NO rape, No Sex, No Smut, Pining, Protective Hatake Kakashi, Romantic Comedy, Sort Of, Stalking, Surveillance, Umino Iruka-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2020-12-17
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:41:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 5,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28053336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phlebas/pseuds/Phlebas
Summary: How the Hatake court.(You don’t have to be a wolf to be a predator.)Story told in omake style.
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi/Umino Iruka
Series: Courting Culture Confusion [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2021387
Comments: 73
Kudos: 138





	1. Author’s Notes

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Zanahoria](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zanahoria/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Escape and Evade](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27435208) by [Phlebas](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phlebas/pseuds/Phlebas). 
  * Inspired by [A Measure of Company](https://archiveofourown.org/works/111856) by [megyal](https://archiveofourown.org/users/megyal/pseuds/megyal). 
  * Inspired by [In Another World](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13829889) by [Yagura](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yagura/pseuds/Yagura). 
  * Inspired by [My Wolf](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23203279) by [Kalira](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kalira/pseuds/Kalira). 
  * Inspired by [Of Harrowed Hearts](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8211566) by [Sable_Scribe](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sable_Scribe/pseuds/Sable_Scribe). 
  * Inspired by [Wolf and cub (Or how small children became the new must have missing nin accessory)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6814000) by [Dissenter](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dissenter/pseuds/Dissenter). 
  * Inspired by [The Bingo Book](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10832103) by [flailinginlove](https://archiveofourown.org/users/flailinginlove/pseuds/flailinginlove). 



> For Zanahoria, who encouraged me to write this.
> 
> Thank you so much for being a wonderful enabler.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> World Building and Warnings!
> 
> (Please heed them.)

This story is set in the world of _Escape & Evade_, a world in which the village was formed quite differently to cannon.

There are reasons for the differences from cannon in this story and many of them are contained in _The World Building of Escape and Evade_.

However, there is one difference that is more relevant than most so I’m going to put it upfront: ANBU does not exist.

The duties that ANBU performs in cannon have been split up between several different departments, but only one of them uses cover stories to protect the identities of their team.

The Recon team.

Their identities are hidden because they spy outside the village territory. Their identities are classified. Only the Jōnin Commander and Hokage are supposed to know who is in Recon.

But, this being a village full of gossipy shinobi, most jōnin have figured out which of their fellow jōnin are not in the village enough and are probably Recon.

Kakashi is in Recon.

If you’re coming to this story cold, this is probably the most crucial bit of information you need to know.

Warning:

A lot of swearing.

Also, a lot of cannon style stalking.

And I do mean a LOT. Of both.

As the title implies, this Kakashi thinks very much like a predatory animal, and he conceptualises Iruka as prey to be hunted. With care for his consent (once it is stated, and by some rules that are unknown to Iruka before that), but there is a lot of surveillance and outright stalking.

Please, read with care for yourself and skip the story if that is not for you.


	2. Immigrant Iruka

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dolphins are friendly animals.
> 
> (But they hunt in pods.)

His parents were immigrants to Konoha from Kiri.

There were three reasons for this:

Firstly, the Umino clan (his mom is the Umino) has a clan based skill - they do sonar style sensing using chakra. It's not traditional sensing which only senses chakra use. Instead, they sense anything that's alive - trees, animals, people. Release chakra burst, get faint impressions back, figure out what's relevant. This is the hardest part. Iruka bitched so much when learning it. It doesn't have an innate distance limitation either, since the return depends on the amount of chakra in the initial burst. A stronger chakra burst is more noticeable since other shinobi spot it faster, but it gives more impressions. It can be manipulated.

It's really tricky to do and takes a long time to learn so they mostly only teach their kids. Family pride kind of thing, plus it's useful, and kids pick it up faster. It's not a bloodline limit, but it's specialised enough to the clan that it's mostly treated like one. This isn't great when the bloodline purges start.

Secondly, the whole thing with Momochi Zabuza made them both go "nope! not letting that happen to my kid!" and they ran away.

Thirdly, Iruka is fire natured - weird for the Umino, but his dad had some fire in his line - and there weren’t many people in Kiri to teach him the traditional katon.

As an aside, he was named Dolphin as a baby because of the sonar sensing. It wasn't until his chakra coils stabilised enough to show a fire affinity that the name became terribly ironic.

So they immigrate to Konoha, which - as a half Senju founded village - is open to all who can swear the oaths of loyalty.

They live happy lives (no attacks from the Bijuu here - Madara was sane and happy until he died) and everything is sunshine and roses.

Then Iruka becomes a genin and his jōnin sensei is Uzumaki Kushina.

In typical Uzumaki style (FERAL in the BRAIN) she decides the best way to teach him the skills to become a chūnin is to prank him at all hours, day and night.

It’s at that point in his life that Iruka starts being hoisted out of his bed by ninja wire traps at dawn, randomly steps on seals that throw him into the river, finds himself walking around under a henge that he doesn't realise makes him look like Kushina-Sensei, ends up in a genjutsu every time he tries to open the back door of his house, gets paralysed every time he sits on his favourite stool at Rāmen Ichiraku… the list in endless.

So Iruka learns to prank BACK.

Then the two of them start racing around Konoha pranking everyone in sight. Iruka's the lookout initially, but Kushina promises him they can swap once he comes up with a good enough prank. And he does.

The Genin-Jōnin apprenticeship generally lasts less than two or three years.

Kushina keeps Iruka as a genin for over _five_ years because they are having _too much fun together_.

Together, they are the Terror Twins and undisputed PRANK MASTERS of Konoha.

Then comes the Run.

By this time it's open to all genin. Nobody can be a runner unless they're an Uchiha, but people can make themselves Prey if they want - and lots of people do it in the hopes that the Uchiha they like will choose to catch them.

(Tobirama & Madara were unofficial parents to any kid who would stand still long enough, and their kids all tell the Super Romantic Story of their Run Escapades.)

Additionally, it teaches a great skillset.

When the chūnin exam includes a multi-day TAG SESSION in the FOREST OF DEATH, people want to be PREPARED IS ALL.

So Iruka and Kushina are on top of the Mountain watching the sun set and Kushina asks Iruka if he wants to Run.

(It’s not Hokage mountain because there are no faces on it. The founders didn't feel the need to intimidate the hell out of their citizens. Instead it's an enormous rock climbing wall because all the kids were ALREADY climbing it so WHY NOT. Plus Tobirama said it was safer to have guide ropes. Izuna said guide ropes were CHEATING. Tobirama ended up setting up the kids one and Izuna the chūnin one. They collaborated on the intermediate ones for the genin. All the founders worked together to make the jōnin one hellishly difficult. Shinobi have to pass it without chakra - not even internal release to enhance their own body - to be chosen for Recon.)

Iruka is hella dubious. "You mean they can do ANYTHING to me???"

Kushina is like "NO!" (they are both very loud people) and explains the rules. "Mito-Hime told me that Tobirama-sama and Madara-sama did it a few times. She said they really learned a lot." (Mito meant about each other. Kushina, being 10 at the time, figured she meant NINJA SKILLZ. oops.)

Iruka, who idolises Tobirama (he wants to be a teacher and the Academy founder is iconic, plus he loves seals BECAUSE TRAPS), is immediately in.

So they plot, they plan, they do setup where they can, and Iruka goes into it LOADED FOR BEAR. Even actual bears if they show up.

And Iruka does really well. He doesn't sweep the Run like Tobirama, but he survives to sunrise and Kushina is really pleased with him. It's one of the reasons she enters him in the next set of Chūnin Exams about six months away.

But there's one thing both of them don't know.

Those diversionary traps that Iruka set up to delay pursuit? Iruka caught someone.

He caught KAKASHI.

Oops.


	3. Clan Kakashi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wolves have instincts.
> 
> (And so do Hatake.)

Kakashi is a single child, yes, but he's not alone.

He's part of a huge Hatake pack because the Hatake are feral too (FERAL in the INSTINCTS). They are chronic adopters of pups, and will take care of any kid who hangs around enough to be grabbed and given a head ruffle.

Their instincts are all about hunting and providing, and any kid to whom that appeals tends to hang around. Basically, any kid obsessed with predatory animals goes to pester the Hatake or the Inuzuka. And the Inuzuka are a bloodline limit clan so they don't adopt in as much. So Hatake gets most of them.

They may not claim them officially (only when asked by the kid in question) but they're still PACK.

So Kakashi, a well adjusted nineteen (well adjusted by Hatake standards at least), part of a large Pack headed by his Okaa-san, Otōsan, and Kaa-chan, already a jōnin for several years, is newly assigned to Recon.

His best friend is Obito, who was promoted to chūnin only the year before and asks Kakashi to help with the Run.

Kakashi is confused. "I'm not Prey? Ever? Why do you want me to do this?”

And Obito goes "For RIN."

Turns out that Rin is running in the hopes that Obito will catch her and Obito is terrified that he's not good enough. He wants Kakashi to bodyguard Rin and make sure no one gets her before him.

Kakashi thinks this is totally unnecessary.

Rin is Bad Ass with capital letters. He still shudders to remember the last time they had a spar and she used her chakra scalpels on him. Chakra scalpels should not be the length of swords in his opinion - they’re _scalpels_ for _surgery_. He ran away without shame and defies anyone to tell him they wouldn’t have too. Plus she punches holes in mountains and paralyses people with a touch of her dainty fingers. Nobody is catching her unless she lets them.

But this is more about Obito than it is about Rin.

Obito is his best friend, Obito is part of his Pack, he’s weak for Obito’s begging face… 

So he says "Maa, if it's for your epic love story..." and agrees.

And then he's Caught.

By some wet behind the ears genin.

That's interesting...


	4. Hatake Hunting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How it works.
> 
> (Sometimes.)

So now onto Hatake Courtship:

Their instincts are all about hunting and providing so they start with the presentation of a prey animal. The bigger the better - but it can't be distinctive.

Because of the next part.

The courted person has to hunt BACK.

They have to track down who did it, find them, and PROVE IT WAS THE HATAKE doing the courting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first part of the offering.
> 
> “I’m good enough to offer this for our lives together.”
> 
> The second part is the acceptance.
> 
> “I want to accept your offering enough that I’ve put in the effort to find you and prove it was you. My skills are equal to yours.”


	5. Serious Surveillance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How to observe an animal in the wild.
> 
> (Or not.)

Eighteen year old Iruka graduates to chūnin, moves out of his parents house, and starts at the Mission Desk.

This is traditional from the very first years of the founding because it integrates the new field ready ninja into the shinobi community.

They meet everyone (except Recon), learn the mission ranking system, and read all the reports about all the shit that can go wrong. Plus, as Mission Desk staff, shinobi learn how to do the report writing and file things in the archives correctly (Tobirama), form a bond with their fellow staff about all these slackers who can't seem to do paperwork to save their lives even when it might one day LITERALLY SAVE THEIR LIVES (Mito), and - if the shinobi in question displays the right aptitude - T&I might come and poach them for the Intel Department (Izuna).

(T&I keeps trying to seduce Iruka to the Dark Side but he's determined to become a teacher as soon as he completes his mandatory Mission Desk assignment - usually a few years.)

And here comes Kakashi who maintains his cover that he's not Recon by taking just enough missions to fly under the radar. Of course. all the jōnin have figured out that he's Recon - he doesn’t work with any of the publicly known jōnin teams or departments - but the chūnin don't have enough exposure to him to tell.

And, being a massive troll with a twisted sense of humour, Kakashi takes the stupidest missions he can lay his hands on.

Commerce protection for a group of travelling prostitutes? Sign him up. Body guarding for a not-so-famous romance author? He's there. Transporting a pack of pure bred puppies? He'll take it!

Iruka, seeing what looks like a terribly lazy, unambitious jōnin who takes low paying jobs and reads porn all day, is SUPER UNIMPRESSED.

He barely looks at Kakashi, and takes his (always late) reports with an eye roll.

Kakashi, on the other hand, is doing recon.

He likes Iruka's fire. The way he stands up to anybody and yells at them. The way Iruka is a total softie for kids. Plus he's cute. And devious. And clever. And Caught him.

So Kakashi takes a chance.

He grabs a Nara deer (for diversionary purposes, also because it will annoy Shikaku), kills it, dumps it on Iruka's doorstep in the middle of the night, and sits back to watch the results.

He doesn't realise that the inside of Iruka's apartment is warded to hell and back and woke Iruka up the minute he approached with intent. (It wasn’t killing intent, but the wards still picked it up.)

So Iruka - woken up in the middle of the night by his own wards, hand holding a kunai under the pillow, pulsing chakra like crazy (it's 3am! His neighbours are all in bed asleep, he can feel it. Who the hell is it?!), paranoid as fuck - senses the same lazy-ass slacker jōnin from the Mission Desk leave an 100kg animal outside his door and leave. WTF?! It's too early (or late as the case might be), he can't deal with this right now.

He goes back to sleep. The animal can wait for the morning.

He's woken up at dawn by a half asleep Genma swearing up a storm outside, cursing to hell and back at whichever stupid idiot thought to leave a dead deer in the hallway.

Iruka, also half asleep, tells Genma that it's all Kakashi's fault, he's not going to be moving the stupid thing, he's going back to bed, Genma can tell Kakashi to come and take his stupid animal away, until then maybe use the windows. Okay, thanks, bye.

Genma tells Kakashi.

Kakashi is baffled - how did Iruka know it was him?

He decides to confront Iruka.


	6. Clan Courting Customs (for the Unaffiliated)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Iruka's manual does NOT have all the relevant information.
> 
> (He doesn’t know it.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am indebted to Zanahoria for the title and summary of this chapter. They came up with it when I was having trouble and asked for suggestions.
> 
> They are AMAZING.

Iruka: *waves the Konoha Courting Customs handbook* Look, it clearly says that the Provider must use the phrase indicated here!

Kakashi: *drawlingly* A deer on the doorstep is traditional. More importantly, why do you think was me?

Iruka: My doorstep is on the sixth floor! My neighbour almost killed himself on the antlers going downstairs to get the paper!

Kakshi: Maa, then he's not a very good shinobi.

Iruka: *has no idea Kakashi is Recon* Better than you!

Kakshi: *interestedly* Really?

Iruka: *slams the door, yells through it* Now take your deer and GO AWAY!

Kakashi: *calls back* Are you sure you don't want to take it? You don't want to hurt the feelings of the person courting you, do you?

Genma: *sticks his head out of the apartment next door* Seriously, Hound - can't you woo more quietly?

Kakshi: Apparently not. Now I have to prove myself a better shinobi than _you_ , senpai.

Genma: *despairingly* Gods help us all... *goes back inside*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just in case it isn't clear... as a immigrant shinobi, unaffiliated with any existing Konoha clan, Iruka's family was given a handbook.
> 
> That shows SENJU courting customs.
> 
> He has no idea what Hatake courting customs are.
> 
> oops.
> 
> Kakashi is less interested in explaining, than getting answers. (Also if he explains, he's giving Iruka clues, and then how will Iruka hunt him back? He doesn't want to help Iruka! He wants to know how Iruka found out it was him!)


	7. Hunting Hatake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Iruka caught him without hunting him.
> 
> (Kakashi is having the opposite problem.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, I am indebted to Zanahoria for the title and summary of this chapter. This was her other suggestion when I was having trouble naming the story.
> 
> She is AWESOME.
> 
> Warning: This chapter contains the shinobi style stalking I warned about initially.
> 
> It's a lot.
> 
> Please, read with care for yourself and skip the story if that is not for you.

Iruka refuses to believe Kakashi is courting him. He thinks Kakashi is a massive troll (which he is) and hazing him.

Kakashi thinks that since Iruka knows it’s him, they should now move on to the next step - Iruka should prove it's him.

Iruka refuses to do any such thing - he knows it was Kakashi, who cares if anyone else knows it???

Kakashi WANTS Iruka to prove it and (in a fit of crazy) decides to keep dumping prey animals on Iruka randomly - at the Mission Desk, at Rāmen Ichiraku just before Iruka arrives, at the orphanage where Iruka volunteers, at T&I when Iruka goes to shout at them to stop trying to hire him... even off rooftops onto his head if the prey animal is small enough.

Kakashi also starts calling Iruka his boyfriend to EVERYONE. He rhapsodises about Iruka's gorgeous chocolate brown eyes, adorable nose scar, soft hair, trim body, cute butt, and fiery personality in public CONSTANTLY. He waxes lyrical. He writes terrible poetry. He leaves notes in Iruka's shoe locker. He stages DRAMATIC CONFESSIONS OF LOVE in front of _other people_ , always making sure to include his _other_ best friend, Mito Gai who equally DRAMATICALLY PROCLAIMS THE WORTHINESS OF HIS ETERNAL RIVAL. He makes cute origami animals and does puppet show versions of their future lives together for Iruka's Mission Desk colleagues who all think this is HILARIOUS and tell Iruka to date Kakashi.

Anko is torn between laughing at Kakashi, and overprotective rage that he's upsetting her 'Ruka-chan.

Raido has his own problems trying to court Genma who proudly wears his title of King of the Honeypots and really doesn’t need the distraction of all of this happening right next door.

All of this is partly put on for additional DRAMA but there's also genuine attraction there.

After a year of this, Iruka has finally had enough and sets out to prove that Kakashi is hazing him, is not into him, has no romantic interest in him, and THIS IS NOT COURTSHIP, STOP TELLING ME IT IS, EVERYONE I KNOW!!!!

And he proves it. In public.

It's like the denouement scene in a murder mystery.

Iruka creates the narrative, lays out all the clues, proves it couldn't be anyone else, and accuses Kakashi.

Kakashi admits it.

Iruka's right.

Iruka has, finally, _hunted him back_.

Kakashi's in love. (For real this time.)

Iruka is all "I DON’T FUCKING BELIEVE THIS! WHAT WILL IT TAKE TO MAKE YOU GO AWAY?!"

And Kakashi goes... "Just... tell me?"

Iruka: *exhausted* Then do it. Go away. Go away and leave me alone. I can't stand this anymore. It's too much.

Kakashi: ... Okay. If that's what you want, I will.

Now, Kakashi has been completely rejected and is miserable. Pining and miserable.

Iruka wants him gone - he’s gone.

But he also can’t bear to stay away.

So he stalks Iruka everywhere, refusing to let himself be in Iruka's line of sight for even a moment. He uses every Recon skill he has to stay hidden. He never uses chakra in an effort to conceal himself.

If he has anything to say about it, Iruka will never know he’s there.

But Iruka can feel him. ALL. THE. TIME.

He's suspicious. What the hell? But there's nothing.

Nothing for months, and months.

And Iruka finds... there's kind of a Kakashi-shaped hole in his life.

For a year, this crazy guy has been everywhere. And now he's nowhere.

Call him crazy, but he misses it. He misses Kakashi paying attention to him all the time. He misses trying to figure out what bizarre thing Kakashi would do next so he could avoid it.

Every morning he wakes up thinking about what Kakashi is going to prank him with today, only to realise Kakashi isn't going to be there. Possibly ever.

He must need to get his head checked. He's actually missing this crap????

He grabs Anko and they go drinking. They get totally smashed.

They are walking home, in the dark, Anko singing at the top of her lungs about unrequited love (actually taunting Kakashi who she knows is about a rooftop back, she can totally tell, the dickhead - why couldn't he just do things PROPERLY IN THE FIRST PLACE and save them all this DRAMA), Iruka mumbling about how Kakashi must have infected him with INSANITY, he'll never become a proper teacher like this, when...

Obito and Gai loom out of the darkness like yakuza about to break the kneecaps of an unsuspecting victim and...

STAGE an INTERVENTION.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What Kakashi does in this chapter is extremely problematic by modern standards.
> 
> In today’s word it would be stalking - no question about it - and he would have been promptly arrested and slapped with a court order forcing him to stay away from Iruka.
> 
> Here it’s treated in a comedic fashion. (Please remember that this is fiction. This is not how anyone should react to stalking. If you are bring stalked, please - call the police.)
> 
> Why does he do it?
> 
> If you want to know, check out chapter 59 in _The World Building of Courting Culture Confusion_ , _Characterisation - What was Kakashi Thinking with the Dead Animals?_.
> 
> You’ll get to see Kakashi’s perspective on all of this in chapter 9, but I wanted to give you a heads up in case people are uncomfortable.


	8. Independent Intervention

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, you hear the truth.
> 
> (Sometimes, you need to.)

Gai plants himself in their path.

He’s all "MY ETERNAL RIVAL is BROKEN HEARTED" and “You are WORTHY but do not understand the TENDER EMOTIONS IN HIS HEART”.

"WE WISH TO CONVINCE THE HONOURABLE AND FIREY IRUKA-SAN THAT KAKSHI'S COOL AND HIP EXTERIOR HIDES A GREAT HEART WITH NOBLE INTENTIONS.”

Obito is more low key.

“Sorry about this, I know it’s kind of a pain… Gai was set on taking to you, and Kakashi will kill me if I let him make this any _worse_ …”

Iruka is drunk, his head is spinning, Anko is laughing hysterically at them, and - pulsing chakra - he can feel Kakashi a couple of roofs over.

He has no idea what Kakashi is thinking but he is tired.

So he sits down on the side of the road, puts his elbows on his knees, lets his hands and his head hang down and says, “Okay. Convince me why this crazy jōnin, who I have never seen take anything seriously, is actually worth attempting to form a romantic connection with.”

Put like that, everyone sobers up really quickly.

Anko sits down next to him and puts her arm around him.

“‘Ruka-chan. I know Kakashi-san comes across as crazy, but he’s actually not. He has reasons for the persona he projects…”

Obito shifts uncomfortably in front of them. “He’s my best friend and he’s always taken care of me. Even when I was a terrible shinobi, he always stuck up for me and helped me achieve my goals. He basically adopted me into his Pack, just like Gai here, when we both lost our parents. And he’s all about protecting and providing for his Pack - Hatake, you know?”

“He’s just… a really good guy.”

Gai breaks in. “MY ETERNAL RIVAL DOES INDEED HAVE A GOOD HEART! HE CARES FOR ALL IN HIS PACK WITH GREAT DEDICATION! AND HE LOVES THE YOUNG CUBS OF THE VILLAGE!”

Iruka winces - Gai is loud, and he’s drunk.

“So, what I’m getting here is a list of reasons as to why he’s a good person to you. Fair enough. You’re his friends, these are reasons you like him.”

“But he’s never shown any of that to ME. I’m the one he’s supposedly trying to ‘court’,” and here Iruka actually makes the air quotes, “and to me he’s always been an ASSHOLE.”

Everyone thinks about this.

Objectively, it is true.

Iruka starts to tick the list off on his fingers. “He presents himself as a lazy slacker at my work. He dropped a huge deer outside my door and wouldn’t take it away. I had to organise for its removal by contacting the Nara Clan Head - and wasn’t _that_ a fun task, let me tell you - and both me and my neighbour had to use the windows to get out of our apartments for days. I don’t mind using the windows usually, but I don’t want to be forced to, you know? He _keeps_ bringing me dead animal at all hours, day and night, but never in person so I’m constantly responsible for them - and what the hell am I supposed to do with a dead animal, I get my meat from the market like a sane person.”

Iruka is rambling, but he’s also really earnest.

“He’s constantly presenting himself to everyone else as my boyfriend - something I never agreed to. He keeps talking about how physically attractive I am, but never to me. He stages these crazy love confession scenes like something from a cheesy novel and it’s always inconvenient. Half the time, it leaves me with a mess to clean up - like that time he stuffed a sealing scroll full of bad poetry in my shoe locker and all the paper exploded out of it when I tried to put my shoes away, I had to pick all of that up you know? - and when he does it in person, it’s never where I can say anything.”

“He hangs around the Mission Desk before my shifts and when I show up everyone says I just missed him and his adorable origami puppets and when am I going to marry that nice boy.”

Iruka sighs.

“So, I’ll tell you when.”

“I’ll take _him_ seriously, when he takes _me_ seriously.”

“I’ll actually accept a courtship, if he offers one. Like an actual one. With talking to me. So I know what he’s thinking. What he wants.”

Kakashi’s been coming closer this whole time and Iruka can sense Kakashi’s just out of sight now.

“Because right now, I’ve got no idea.”

Iruka raises his voice slightly.

“You got that, Kakashi? You’ve got one more chance. Don’t blow it.”

And then he stands up, wobbles a bit, and makes his way home, with Anko trailing quietly behind him.


	9. Difficult Decisions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, you need to behave like an animal.
> 
> (Humans are animals too.)

Now Kakashi has a choice to make.

He’s torn.

His instincts are pulling him in several different directions.

There’s the part of him that is insisting that Iruka is not just PACK, but MATE and a mate who is unclaimed at that.

Iruka’s got more attention than he knows.

The Nara and the Yamanaka are both interested in him.

His big deduction scene caught the interest of several Nara and Shikaku's revenge on Kakashi was encouraging it.

Inoichi's longstanding determination to hire him for T&I meant he was already on the radar of several of the younger Yamanaka.

Now that Kakashi's been so comprehensively rejected, he can't warn off these guys anymore.

So that part of Kakashi is screaming that his mate is available to others and he’s got to stake his claim a publicly as possible.

 _Claim him. Announce that he’s MINE._ his instincts demand.

But Kakashi’s been doing that all along.

And Iruka called him on it.

It’s not working.

It’s actually made things worse.

Another part of him is terrified.

He’s wounded, vulnerable to Iruka in a way he’s never been to anyone.

Iruka is IT. He’s the MATE.

And Iruka SENT HIM AWAY.

He wants to curl up in a ball and whine.

Just the thought of facing Iruka again is really, really scary.

 _Get up,_ he tells himself, _be human for once in your gods damned life._

_He’s told you what he wants. DO IT._

(Kakashi is not the best at pep talks.)

So Kakashi dresses himself properly like the jōnin he actually is, instead of his usual slapdash put-on-anything-that-comes-to-hand fashion, takes a deep breath, and knocks on Iruka’s door.

“Iruka-san? It’s Kakashi. May I speak with you?”

He waits. It takes a while.

He’s starting to get worried when there’s a bunch of noise and Iruka opens the door.

In a towel.

Oh… he caught Iruka in the shower.

Kakashi’s brain shuts down.

There is literally nothing happening in there that isn’t a visceral appreciation for the way water is dripping off Iruka’s hair, tracing his collarbones, and down his pectorals.

Kakashi wants to drop to his knees and _lick Iruka’s abdominal muscles_.

Iruka is staring at him.

This jōnin has the worst timing _in the world_.

And he tells him so.

“You have shit timing. It’s been a week since you last stalked me and now you show up when I am WASHING MY HAIR? Do you have some sort of crazy instinct for terrible scheduling or are you under some sort of bad luck curse?”

Kakashi is silent.

Iruka loses all patience.

He grabs Kakashi by the front of his jōnin vest and drags him into the apartment.

“Seriously, what the hell, this cannot be coincidence, it’s too consistent for that, maybe I should make a chart for all the crazy that’s in my life since you entered it, I swear the only other time things have been so nuts was when Kushina-Sensei decided the only way to train me was to prank me, and was that a bizarre experience let me tell you…”

Iruka kneels down to take Kakashi’s sandals off in the genkan, before towing Kakashi into the living room, and shoving him down next to the kotatsu.

“Sit. Stay. I’m going to finish my shower, get changed, and be right back. DO NOT MOVE.”

Kakashi doesn’t.

He’s stuck.

On Iruka.

When he hears the water come back on in the shower, his brain recovers. He looks around. He’s never been inside Iruka’s apartment before.

He’s always been very careful not to invade Iruka’s private space. Not to touch Iruka.

Until Iruka hunted him back he didn’t have permission for that.

And then Iruka sent him away.

So he took that as permission revoked.

But now he’s here.

In Iruka’s den.

It’s warm. Cosy.

There’re knick knacks everywhere. Pictures of friends and family line the walls. The bookshelves are packed and sealing scrolls are stacked precariously on the corner of the kotatsu. The sink is piled with dishes. He can smell that gyudon was the last thing Iruka cooked. 

He inhales deeply through his mask. He smells… dust, beef, rice, ink, old paper, and… Iruka.

He can smell Iruka on the kotatsu futon.

It’s the first time he’s been close enough to smell Iruka in any context.

He pulls down his mask, lifts the futon to his nose, and inhales deeply.

The water shuts off. He doesn’t care.

Iruka comes out of the shower, wrapping a yukata around himself only to find this crazy jōnin _sniffing his kotatsu._

What. The. Hell.

His life is full of crazy.

He decides he may as well go with it.

“What the hell? What is _wrong_ with you?”

Kakashi opens his eyes and looks up.

The lower half of his face is covered by the futon he’s holding up to his nose, but Iruka can see his eyes.

And for the first time he sees it.

Kakashi is open. Vulnerable.

This is not the crazy jōnin who stalked him. This is not the crazy jōnin who assaulted him with dead animals. This is not the crazy jōnin who has made his life hell for the last year.

This is a guy who is worried about his reaction.

Just a guy.

Wow.

Okay.

That changes things.

Now it’s Iruka’s turn to fumble.

“Sorry? For swearing at you? I guess? And being a bad host? Um.”

Kakashi is completely bewildered by this.

He was prepared to be yelled at some more, be told to go away again, have his courtship offer rejected (again).

Instead, Iruka is apologising. He's being… nice?

Iruka has never been nice to him.

Ever.

Everyone else gets niceness.

The kids at the orphanage where Iruka volunteers get niceness. The Obaasan at the market get niceness. Iruka’s colleagues at the Mission Desk get niceness. (Although the jōnin who slack off and turn in terrible reports don’t.)

Even god damn Inoichi gets niceness. Well, politeness at least.

This is new. And interesting.

He lowers the futon.

Iruka sees his face.

It’s… a face.

Nice? But not worth all the drama?

Well, it’s long, and the jawline is defined, and the cheekbones are high. Lips kind of thin.

Really not that different to what the mask implies.

He’s always thought Kakashi’s best features were his eyes really. Storm grey, long lashed, expressive… It’s just a pity they’re always amused at how he’s being pranked.

But Kakashi is still not saying anything.

So Iruka talks. He’s good at talking.

“So. You knocked on my door. You wanted to talk to me?”

Kakashi looks uncomfortable. His hand reaches up to rub the back of his head.

“Maa, well, talk may be overstating it. I wanted to give you this.” 

His other hand, which has been hiding under the futon, comes up.

It’s holding a pair of steaks. From the market.

“This is a seed, I offer to you, to show my intent to grow a relationship.”

Iruka is taken aback.

When he said that he’d accept a courtship if Kakashi offered one, he didn’t think Kakashi actually _would_.

Kakashi has now visibly progressed to nervousness.

“Um. I’ll just leave these here I guess.”

He makes to get up from the kotatsu.

“Just let me know what you decide. Uh, if you decide anything.”

Kakashi stands and makes the first hand sign for the shunshin and Iruka realises that this is an opportunity he may not get again.

Iruka flings his hand out and grabs Kakashi by the wrist.

“Wait. Stop. I Accept.”

Kakashi is surprised.

“You do?”

Iruka nods.

“I do.”

They stare at each other for a while, the two of them. Just standing there over the kotatsu with steaks on it, Iruka holding on to Kakashi’s wrist.

Iruka decides to break the deadlock.

“Soooo…. Want to help me cook the steaks for dinner?”


	10. Omake - Contract Negotiations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, get to know your future in-laws better.
> 
> (A lot better.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want more information on exactly what is happening here, you can check out chapter 46 of _The World Building of Courting Culture Confusion_ , _World Building - How NOT to Negotiate a Senju Marriage Contract_.
> 
> That written for Madara negotiating a marriage contract with Tobirama, but the process is still the same.

Kakashi: *walking onto the water* This is kind of dramatic isn’t it? Recreating the original peace negotiations? It’s not like the Hatake and the Umino have an inter-generational clan war to settle or anything…

Umino Kohari: *standing on the water in the middle of the Nakano* Oh no? That’s an interesting perspective. But we’re not here because of history.

Kakashi: *scratches the back of his head* Maa, then why are we here?

Umino Ikkaku: *water starts sliding away from his feet, gradually sinks down into the river* Because it’s the closest body of water.

Kakashi: *looks at his parents* Um.

Sakumo: *on the river bank, waves cheerfully, yelling* Good luck, cub!

Chiasa: *also yelling* Please do not kill him, Kohari-san!

Umino Kohari: *poisonously sweet* No promises!

Orochimaru: *sitting under a tree, pulling out a science journal, not looking up* You waived the right to a representative. This is what happens when you don’t listen to your parents.

Kakashi: *outraged* Kaa-chan!

Umino Ikkaku: *grabs Kakashi’s ankle* Now get in the water.

Kakashi: *gulps*

The End.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that’s it!
> 
> That’s all I have for Iruka and Kakashi’s love story.
> 
> But that’s not all you will see in this AU.
> 
> Tomorrow, I begin posting the story that is happening at the same time as this one, _UZUMAKI UNLEASHED!_ , or ‘How Kushina got her man’ - the love story of Civilian Born Minato and Uzumaki Crazy Kushina.
> 
> Have fun!
> 
> — Phlebas
> 
> P.S. This isn’t the last that you will see of Sakumo, his wife Chiasa (her name means ‘one thousand mornings’), or Orochimaru either. I will tell their story in _Slither and Stalk_.

**Author's Note:**

> On a completely different note, I set up a server on Discord to discuss this series and you can go poke me there: https://discord.gg/JWZckgxBwf
> 
> EDIT: I'm so sorry the link was broken! I changed it and hopefully this one works!
> 
> All the warnings for this series applies to any content that may be found on there and I swear. Just FYI.


End file.
